Happy New Year!!

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Better internetconnection?

I guess I needed a break from blogging here, because the internetconnection has been crap all summer.
In a village nearby they're redoing all the cables and wires and it sure affects us here.
They've promissed a couple of times the connection would be a lot better in september.
Well, I hope so.

We didn't have much of a summer.
Too much rain, too much grey colours.

Maybe, maybe we'll have better weather at the end of the week.
I'll keep my fingers crossed.

How was your summer?

Looking into the other garden

We're living in a strange time.

We're watched everywhere, even when we go shopping. It's even difficult to go by bus without a computer traching where you're going in and out.

When all the information is put together someone else can take over your life.

When you travel to the usa you need to give all sorts of information, including your sexual preferences and if you're on a special diet.

It's not only the governments requiring control and information, ordinary people want to posess complete insight in the lives of others too.
"Mind your own business" is not wanted to be said anymore. On the contrary.
When you don't want to know everything about others you're out of order.
When you don't want to share it all you might be a problem for whomever has something to say.

People want to know everything about the lives of others like they have nothing else to do.
In fact, they take the places of judges and condemn others without ever having studied law and without having all the facts a judge needs to know.

Even more interesting.
There are so many people brought to court, because people and society can't rule themselves anymore and have become completely dependent upon the judges, that the judges won't read the files anymore.

It gives the impression that the law acts opposite of how the layman acts. Not because the law requieres that, but because there is so much to do.

The safe feeling that the law protects us is taken away, because good and nice people are convicted by judges who don't care.

When I was still a christian I was always amazed when people said: "God would say that....". And interestingly enough God always said what they thought.
I would always comment: God makes up his own mind. And he doesn't need us to judge, he can perfectly well do that by himself.

My gram used to say that people shouldn't look in the garden of someone else before they had their own garden in perfect order.
I think she was right.

Work on the person you are yourself, set your own standards and leave the karma of others to them.

Accepting feedback

Accepting feedback on behaviour can be very difficult.
People often think that criticism on behaviour says something about how good or bad they are as a person, whereas in fact feedback is meant to accentuate the good in a person and eliminate the bad.
When the person wgho gives feedback doesn't believe in the good of the other he won't give feedback.

When someone wants to give feedback sit down and free your mind.
Lsiten well, try to understand what is said, summarise and if needed ask for more information.
It's also nice to show appreciation for the effort taken. The other offers a learning moment and a way to improve yourself.

It's up to you to do with the feedback what you want. So why not take it positive?

It's kinf od natural to defebnd yourself, but refrain from that.
take a close look.
Do you recognise the way the other describes your behaviour, does the other need extra information to reach another intrepretation?(be careful with that, because he might feel criticised or not taken seriously).

Ask for alternative behaviour. "You said you thought that I didn't listen to Karin. Can you tell me how I can show better that I'm listening to her?

Try to be honest about how the feedback affects you and what you're going to do with it.

"I understand you saw behaviour indicating I didn't listen. I don't agree. I did listen. But next time I'll sit down and tell het to sit down too to create a more listening situation.

Giving feedback

We all can do with a bit of self-reflection and feedback.

Giving feedback, hoever, is an art in itself.
It's not throwing your opinion at the feet of the other, but enabling self-reflection and maybe change.

Feedback isn't about interpretations, because the other doesn't need your stream of thoughts, but it's about what can be observed.
So don't tell the other you saw he was upset, because he might get into a discussion with you stating he wasn't upset at all.

Describe what can be observed: I saw you were standing in the kitchen and the knife sounded very hard when it was put down, your face was read, your voice was loud, and when you walked away I heard the door close very loud with a smash.

Feedback should be given as soon as possible after an incident, so the person can look back at his behaviour and remember his feelings and thoughts, but not before anger and irritation are gone.

Describe what you have observed as neutral as possible and in words that indicate it's your perception.
It's important that the other doesn't feel he or she should defend him/herself or can start a discussion.

Be as concrete as possible.

Never say: you did..., but I feel...

And check if the message your trying to get across has arrived: "Do you recognise this? Do you understand what I mean?"

When the other can't deal with the feedback, accept that.
Stay close to the aim of your feedback.
Only give feedback when you know the behaviour you're giving feedback on can be changed.

It's ofcourse best when you're able to give alternative behaviours to try out, and explain why these behaviours might enhance the way the other functions.

Active listening: asking questions

Yesterday we saw that many people think they're listening carefully, whereas in fact they're fitting the information they get in their own streams of thought.

But how do we justice to the speaker?
When do we really listen?

Why do people think their friends listen better to them than others without any proof their friends really do listen better?

That's because they follow the stream of thoughts of the speaker and ask questions at the right time.

So the secret of active listening is not in interpreting and giving advice, but in asking questions to follow the stream of thoughts of the speaker.

When you do that, you'll be able to stand beside the speaker and hear what's happening. At crossroads of thoughts you'll be able to ask the questions that lead to all directions, thus broadening the understanding of what's going on.

That's active listening as it's supposed to be.

Active listening: selective perception and tunnelvision

Many people think that active listening is listening with care and attention, and drawing conclusions right on the spot, so good advice can be given.

But it doesn't do right to what the speaker is saying, because we limit our frame of mind.. because we listen with a frame of mind.

That means that we sort the information we get into streams that fit our thinking processes.
That means in fact that what fits into those streams of thought is heard and many other things are not perceived.
One calles it selective listening: sorting out what's needed, what fits.
And the result: tunnelvision (yes, it's called that way when you're listening too.)
Everything that's outside the streams of thoughts is not perceived.

Sometimes this is a conscious process. When we're studying, or writing a paper, we only need certain information.

But when you're reseraching, examining, assessing or just listening well, you're not doing justice to the person.

Fractals

It's long ago that I suddenly realised that many things cane be seen in mini, midi and maxi.
Like the molecules at mini level and the stars at maxi.

Later I found out that mathematics has a word for it: fractals.

Here's a movie about that concept.

Charity

Real charity can't be found as easy as in the past.
People want to show the world what they have done and have many means to do so.
It makes one wonder if people pay for advertising themselves, or if they really want to give their money to someone else.

Turning the question a 180 degrees: are you prepared to give me money so I can donate it to people who really need it? Without your name attached to it, I mean.

On internet I see many give-aways, but they're not really give-aways.
People have to visit sites, twitter about it and do many other things, mainly for the benefit of the person who gives away.

That's not really charity, it buying web-presence.

a wannabee buddhist

He was in a shop nearby the Tibetan shop I like to go.
He was dressed in all sorts of red and yellow, walked on open shoes, and smiled.

For a while he stood looking at the small buddha statues, then turned away and walked past a couple who were discussing the meaning of some statues and figures on printed card..
They suddenly turned to him and asked him for the meaning of a print of the white Tara.
He gave it a glance and told rather unkind: "I am a buddhist. This is not a buddhist print."

The shopowner walked to them quietly and told the couple to wait for a moment.
The "buddhist" walked away and then the shopowner told about the meaning of the white Tara.

It's a pity there are so many wannabee buddhists.