Impact of daily news on children

Again a shooting.

Again I wonder about the impatct daily news has on children.

There's so much negativity in the news and it comes from all parts of the world.

I fear that certain children might start to think that this world is all bad and negativity.
A few times a week it's in the news that children aren't safe, and men in neat suits look in the camera and state that they can't cope anymore.

Grown ups send so many mixed messages that children get aggressive or just don't care about the feelings of others anymore.
Or they close themselves for their own feelings.

What are your thoughts about this?

Some thoughts on ego, empathy and choices.

"Being a buddhist is for a large part about being nice", said one of my children a while ago.

True.

Care and compassion are the main ingredients of daily life and communication, and all sorts of good behaviour flows from that including forgiveness, understanding and being kind to people one initially doesn't like.
In fact...the "doesn't like" disappears as soon as the person is regarded with an open mind and compassion.
Most unwanted behaviour is caused by experiences people haven't made a choice for.
When we see that, we see a person who is hurt and in pain, and needs care and a friendly face.
That usually stops a chain of bad events and enables that person to heal, at least partially.

The last year we have encountered, as a family, some people who were guided by their willingness to do well.
They were so very willing to do good, that they lost the ability to perceive the good in people.
They wanted everything to fit in their picture and rather than checking their own perception they fitted everything in the matrix in their heads.

It's what happens when people think they have the ultimate truth in their hands.

It's one way of describing what we buddhists say: "Reality is the way we see it."

Teaching children to deal with people like that has been of the largest challenges of last year.
How to deal with people who speak bad about you, who paint a picture about you that's not how you are, who deny the plain facts?
How to deal with people who read into your words something completely different than you have intended?

Ofcourse I gave my children an insight in how people become that way.
People are products of their own history, of their own wants and needs, and of their own ego's.
But I also gave them the power to stay the person they are, to have faith in themselves, to stay pure and clean in their own intentions.
I can't say how often I told them to listen to their inner voice. I have learned these kids have a very clear intuition, and they should not be misguided by wants and needs, by misperceptions are anything else.

They said they didn't trust a person, and so I learned them how to deal with that.
Help came as a surprise by someone who said there was no need to deal directly with that person, they could write down what they had to say if they wanted too.
Help also came from time itself, as they had so much to do for school that they gladly wrote down what was on their hearts, instead of bicycling to town and lose lots of time.
They would have gone to the meeting otherwise.. with the risk of having their words turned again, like happened before and what happened with my own words and behaviour.
I think an ego was hurt a bit, but sometimes it's time for grown ups to grow up.

When talking with the children it was clear they missed something very important in the other person: empathy.
It's the ability to step out of your own frame of mind, your own wants and goals and perceive with an open mind the other person and to understand that person from the way he is, from his own life.

It was amazing to see what my children could do what the grown up couldn't do. Display empathy.
I think it's inborn and disappears when the ego takes over and grows to be a feeding force for the wellbeing of the person.
When we lose touch with our own inner being and strive for wealth and recognition the ego takes over. In certain jobs ego's are regarded to be of more importance than empathy. It's about being on top of other people, I think.

My children have learned that it's not always possible to keep oout of the way of people like that.
They've also seen how they mold their own reality into something they feel comfortable with, or can gain their own egofood with.

It's a kind of warning too.


When a person grows up he's faced with choices about his own person.
By making a choice for a profession it might be a choice for a certain behavioral climate which might go against the way you want to be.

It's a huge choice.

Young people are not always aware they have that choice.
Older people are not always able to face up to that choice.

How about you?

Teaching children: all people are equal

One of the challenges of raising children to be responsible adults is to teach them that all people are equal.

I've always said that all people are equal, but we all have different talents.

My children have always been able to deal with that without too many questions.
They were lucky to go to schools where diversity was absolutely normal, so when they reached the age they started to read the paper and listen to the news on TV they commented on the way people exercised control over others and looked down on others.

What other children didn't even notice, they noticed.
From that moment on parenting changed a bit, because they realised that compassion and care is lost by many people when they grow up.

The preschool they went to was a special one, where the talents of individual were more important than marching in line.
There was no need to do things to stand out of the crowd and to be noticed, no need to bully someone to feel good or compensate for something else.

Children learned to feel good about themselves and to practice care and compassion for others.
At times they needed care and compassion for themselves, and at times they gave it to others.

No better learning school for eyality between people then at home and at a school like that.

Early years of the Dalai lama

To me it has always been important to be a stay at home mom.

People say now I'm not emancipated.

Haha!!

I've made my own choices and I've been able to see my children grow up.

It's a privilige to see a child develop in his own environment where he can be himself, instead of in a room with a few leaders attending to what's needed for hygiene, food and drinks.

Ofcourse a child needs to learn to adjust and needs to learn to assume a role in a group, but the first years should be dedicated to development of the person, of the wish to discover the world in all aspects. Not only those that are presented by others.

The importance of those first years is shown by the account of the mother of Dalai Lama of the first years of her son.
Observing a child reveals many messages as you can see here.

The fruit garden and my autistic son

My autistic son didn't feel happy at school.
He was very aware of the chaos around him:

• the sounds:
  of other children, moving chairs, wind against the windows
• the lights
  of the harsh lamp, the sun through the window, the refection in a mirror or something iron
• the colours
  which were everywhere around him
• the temperature
  that changed whenever someone entered of left the classroom, and the draft that was caused by opening the main door
• etc.

Whenever he had the chance he took off and went to the fruityard nearby.
There he sat in the grass, or leaned against a tree.
Soon he got calm and even a bit happy, but when the principal came to him he felt afraid and started to scream.
Then they would call me.

In the beginning I didn't understand why he went to the fruityard and felt calm there.
The birds were making lots of noise, the wind could be heard whisepring through the grass and the trees would move and with strong winds even bend, casting large shadows on the earth and allowing the sun to blind the eyes whenever the wind went quiet.

Soon, however I understood.

In the fruityard everything was in balance.
My son didn't experience nature as an outward experience, but he became part of it.
And thus he could rest against the tree and feel it move without being burdened by it.

What a pity his schoolmaster was never able to understand this.

Right speech and children

Raising children in a buddhistic way is a real inspiration, as I've found out.
Children have the inborn tendency to do good and when they're a bit older they want to please others.

Teaching them the right speech isn't a problem until they're going to school.

Many parents remember the first time their child came home with words they certainly never learned at home.
One of my boys didn't even understand what he was saying, but he liked the sound of some words I don't want to repeat here. When I kindly told him what he was saying he got a head so red...

Right speech means not saying awful words, but it also means not saying anything that hurts other people, refrain from idle chatter, no lies.

For a child at school that sure is a challenge, because it should withhold spontaneous outbreaks of using bad words, calling names and the like.

It's a pity that in the western world buddhist schools are hardly or not available.
Because a buddhist child is made aware that words can bring peace, help people grow.
To me it has always been a very positive approach to verbal behaviour, and it has made me aware that verbal behaviour should be trained as well as other forms of behaviour. This is often forgotten in the western world, where freedom of speech is for some people an excuse for misconduct at the verbal level, and calling names back to someone who has been unkind is seen as normal behaviour.

The support of teachers to display the right conduct in school and at the playground makes a huge difference.
When bullying is not tolerated at all, children who exercise the right speech will get the respect they deserve because other children will find the confidence and trust of never being called names or talked about.

How we live through a difficult time

Some people have asked how we deal as a family with the crisis we're going through.

I'll try to explain.

Right now we don't feel it to be a crisis, but we've gone through hours of sadness and other emotions and I expect we'll be stressed next wednesday.

So giving the right words to the situation helps.

People have created their own perception of our family, their own reality, based on their own past and a lot more we don't know.

At first we were angry, especially at a person who painted a very untrue pictures of our daughters, but soon we realised that even though we don't agree and our friends don't recognise the pictures he painted, he probably thinks he's right.
So in a way he doesn't have more knowledge, and the anger went away.
He won't be our friend, but we won't spend energy on what he did.
He has created his own karma by telling tales about my daughters, it's not up to us to force that upon him.

But we filed a complaint against him at school to stop him doing this again to someone else.

Upon his statements other people have created a more eleborate picture of our family, and they've made choices based on a lack of listening properly, projections based on their past and fears, on arrogance and self-complacency and on the wish to get financial gain. Their intentions were not honorable, even though they might tell that to themselves.

We did what we could to show and tell them who we really are, but they made a conscious choice to cling to their own writings.
These were filed to open a courtcase against us for bad parenting.
Ofcourse it scared the hell out of us as a first reaction, but then we remembered the 6 perfections:

• giving, 
• ethics, 
• patience, 
• joyous effort, 
• concentration
• wisdom

Especially the perfection of patience seemed to be important:

• Having patience in understanding Dharma and gaining faith.
• Being undisturbed by anguish from suffering.
• Practise patience before getting angry.
• Having patience in accepting problems.
• Being undisturbed by inflicted harm.

We realised that trying to give us a bad name is not our action, but theirs.
We have not changed at all, we're still the good and happy family we were, so we should carry on doing what we think is right.
Maybe that radiates and wednesday it shows who we are, and people with wisdom and a good observation skills will see that what we say against the writings is the truth.
We don't need to feel uneasy, because we have nothing to hide. We can be calm and OK.

Today is a calm and quiet day in the home.
Outside a storm is raging.
Nature couldn't have made a better statement of the situation here.

Ofcourse we prepare ourselves for wednesday.
But what has been done is done and is in the past.
We know we're OK and we've done metta meditations, so we can keep working with those who want to bring us down. We won't feel hatred or aggression. Those emotions trouble the mind.
We'll see what happen and try to trust the judge. Somewhere along the line there must be someone who'll see sense.

At first I felt nervous about the consequences of such a bad image of our family.
They wanted to forces all sorts of therapies upon us which were canons shoting at a sandcorn.
One of those therapies might even be harmfull on normal healthy children, so I didn't like that at all.
All I said was: go and get your indication done. (Every therapy needs a certain kind of person or group to have the greatest effect. No matter what they would say, they would never be able to fit us in.)
They turned down their request. Didn't change anything else, but changed that.

Whatever happens wednesday... whatever is said about us, we are still the same good people.
The consequences might interfere with family life for a while, but a broken laundrymachine has the same effect. It costs time too.

So we just see what's going to happen.

After finishing this answer I found this text.
Isn't it perfect?

RECOMMENDATION

by Thich Nhat Hanh

Promise me,
promise me this day,
promise me now,
while the sun is overhead
exactly at the zenith,
promise me:
Even as they strike you down
with a mountain of hatred and violence;
even as they step on you and crush you like a worm,
even as they dismember and disembowel you,
remember, brother, remember:
man is not your enemy.

The only thing worthy of you is compassion --
invincible, limitless, unconditional.
Hatred will never let you face the beast in man.

One day, when you face this beast alone,
with your courage intact, your eyes kind, untroubled
(even as no one sees them),
out of your smile will bloom a flower.
And those who love you
will behold you
across ten thousands worlds of birth and dying.

Alone again,
I will go on with bent head,
knowing that love has become eternal.
On the long, rough road,
the sun and the moon
will continue to shine.

.

... and then tell us they bring peace.

One of my children was sitting in the livingroom.
Her face was showing deep concentration and as she didn't react to the glass of lemonade in my hand I put it on the table without saying and left.

A few minutes later she switched on the TV and watched the news.

After an item about war she switched it off again.

Silence again.

Then suddenly I heard her calling me.

"Mom... mom, I have a question."

"Yes?"

"Why do grown up people ship tanks to a faraway country, and throw bombs. Why do they kill a lot of people and destroy their houses... and then tell us they bring peace."

children and mindfulness

Spontaneously I developed a routine with the children to walk outside in our garden, no matter which weather it was.

In the summer we would walk after dinner. The sun low near the horizon, casting long shadows from the trees and plants.

In winter we just took the chance whenever the children wanted.

All my children remember these precious small walks.

This is interesting, because other children go for long walks in the woods, and mine just walked the few metres in the garden.

But plants and animals really came alive.

We studied each plant carefully. Looking for new leaves in the spring, flowers in the summer and fruit in the autumn.
Even in the winter there was enough to see, as leaves on the ground changed colour and slowly disappeared, branches changed and the promisses of spring could be seen.
And the animals... they were there too, either the birds, singing their songs of spring, the wonderful butterflies during summer, the hedgehog in autumn, or the small winterinsects beneath a tree with a fluffed up bird.

Every walk was an exercise in being together in a peaceful way, focussing the attention, and enlarging the attentionspan. Even observationskills were trained.

But most of all:  memories were created.
.