2020, a new year

After a long silence I decided to restart this blog.

Feel like sticking my head out of the grass and looking around. Careful. In case someone...again... wants to chop it off.

That was what happened in a way.

I thought we had a true friendship. We had planned in the past to meet each other, but what was supposed to be a meeting, turned out to be a miss.
I stayed long at the airport for nothing at all.

But the friendship stayed.

Then suddenly I was told I was discriminating.
I've read and reread, over and over again, what I had written.
But I didn't discriminate.

I just said that hatred between colours can't be solved by violence.

I still feel hurt.

After all those years injustice hasn't evaporated.

But I've seen more of the world and of people.
I've spoken and seen people so often now who discriminate themselves and hit around to confirm their own vision.
I've learned to grant people their wish to stay on an island. If they want to live their life in a certain way, it's up to them. I can't make every person into a peaceful and kind individual who is happy with himself and the world.

But now and then I peek on her facebook. I still miss her.
But the missing has changed.
And I have changed.

Welcome on my new blog.
Hopefully I'm able to use my dodgy laptop a lot more, as the bottom is falling partly off. But that's a different cruel mishap in life.

Happy new year!!


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Pawo Phagmo Samdup

Pawo Phagmo Samdup/Samdrub, a 27 year old father of two, has set himself on fire today in Dokarmo town in Tsekhog of Malho, the Tibetan area of Amdo.
It's said his body has been taken away by the chinese authorities.

The chinese givernment has enforced even stricter security measure in the Tsekhog area and the nearby Rebgong area, where more people have self-immolated.
They have also restricted communication in Tsekhog and the areas around it.

Smiling softens the heart

The past year has been very hard on us, but on the other hand... we were like trees in the wind, bending, but not breaking.

We've learned a lot.

One of the most important lessons for life is the experience that smiling really softens the heart.

Oh, some people hate it when others are able to smile even when they go through the roughest times of life. They can't bear it when the smile stays even when the tears are near to the surface. It enfuriates them and even makes them become nastier and more relentless.
They will try and make that wall around their feelings firmer and wider, creating a prison for themselves.
I feel sorry they feel the need to do so. They must have had some terrible experiences in their lives that they rather isolate themselves than reflect on their thoughts, feelings and actions and live with real care and compassion for others.

Some however are able to break their walls down and smile back.

But the reason I smile is not because I want to take away the responsibility of the other for his own behaviour. I don't feel the need to control the other person.

I've found out that with a smile my heart grows larger and I'm able to deal with a lot more than without that smile. The smile makes it easier for me to care for the other and to have compassion. It makes me able to endure more and to see things in a wider perspective. It's like the smile prevents me to have thoughts I don't want to have. It's part of the better me and it makes my whole being be the better me.

One of the children said that with a smile it was easier to go on doing the things she wanted to do, because it made her aware she had a choice.
She felt some other people didn't use the choice they have to make every moment a better moment.

So we've learned a lot!

Are you a competitor at work?

Some people simply love working and when they're promoted to a higher rank they're even a kind of surprised.
They "just do their job" as well as they can and to feel content about that is their reward.

How about you?

Are you competitive at work?

Many people are.

The past month I've spoken with quite some people about the subject and the main reasons for being competitive are:

1. Fear to fail in the eyes of others.
2. Earning more money.
3. Pride. The need to be better than others.

It's interesting that people attach values to their motives.

The first motive, not to fail in the eyes of others, is seen as negative.
The underlying feelings are those of insecurity, being unable to fullfill expectations and non acceptance of their own talents and gifts.
Some of these people found out during the conversation that they'd rather do other work and they feel they would be happier there. But fear of failure kept them from writing an application.

The group that wants to earn more money is mixed. That's due to the fact that the motives for earning more money differ a lot.
Some are in need of money, because they're dealing with problems with the mortgage due to the recession. Some want to realise a dream and are saving for that one in a lifetime trip, a wedding and other goals.
And there's a group who just want to have more and more, and feel driven by a kind of greed. They don't use the money to make other people or themselves happy, but just to pile it up.


I'm not a very competitive person. I'm lucky to be born without jealousy.
I've worked both at the hospital and the uni with utter pleasure and when they would ask me back I would start again without any hesitation.
Ofcourse I have dreams and wishes (see wishlist) and as this society doesn't run without money I need some too. In fact I'm always short of money, mainly for the children.

I've dealt at my work with competitive people of all sorts and sizes.
To me it seems that competition diminishes social relationships a lot. Some people's smiles can't be trusted, because they smile to people they don't like, to be liked and to be chosen over others.
I've experienced people taking my books so I couldn't look up things and they could come up with the knowledge. Etc etc.

How are you at your job?
Who are you at your job?

He's himself

One of my old friends is going through a lot of changes in his life.
I'm not involved, just observing what is going on.
He's been used to a high rank in social life from his early days at school.
His posture, his gestures, the way he looked, it all made people feel impressed and willing to hand over power and decision making.
On the other hand, he made people feel the need to strive to become a better person. He was and is kind of charismatic.

Knowing him on the personal level also showed his insecurities and his tremendous kindness for the people close to him.
The hesitation to show his love sometimes threw people back on their own, make them feel waiting for something that would never come.

On his flight to the top he went fast. Very fast.
Sometimes I worried if his work was not overshadowing his family life, but it was not up to me to say something about it.

A few months ago his working carreer was brought to an end.
Re-organisations for the so maniest times made him decide to step down.

He's disappeared from the limelights, out of the top rankings, and finally he's got all the time of the world to himself, so he can decide what to do next.

What would you do?

How do you game?

Interactive games show who you are as a person.
Not all intercative games offer the opportunity to learn to know yourself a bit more, but many do.

Are you a person who shares and gives? Or are you a person who takes?
Do you want to be better than others?
Or do you play for fun or to improve yourself?

I'm sure you can come up with more questions like these.

And I'm sure you can answer them. :)

Individuality, yes or no.

Isn't it interesting there's so often a tension in people between individuality and wanting to belong to a group, wanting to fit in and to be accepted?

People want to be seen, and at the same time they want to blend in.

Some thoughts on ego, empathy and choices.

"Being a buddhist is for a large part about being nice", said one of my children a while ago.

True.

Care and compassion are the main ingredients of daily life and communication, and all sorts of good behaviour flows from that including forgiveness, understanding and being kind to people one initially doesn't like.
In fact...the "doesn't like" disappears as soon as the person is regarded with an open mind and compassion.
Most unwanted behaviour is caused by experiences people haven't made a choice for.
When we see that, we see a person who is hurt and in pain, and needs care and a friendly face.
That usually stops a chain of bad events and enables that person to heal, at least partially.

The last year we have encountered, as a family, some people who were guided by their willingness to do well.
They were so very willing to do good, that they lost the ability to perceive the good in people.
They wanted everything to fit in their picture and rather than checking their own perception they fitted everything in the matrix in their heads.

It's what happens when people think they have the ultimate truth in their hands.

It's one way of describing what we buddhists say: "Reality is the way we see it."

Teaching children to deal with people like that has been of the largest challenges of last year.
How to deal with people who speak bad about you, who paint a picture about you that's not how you are, who deny the plain facts?
How to deal with people who read into your words something completely different than you have intended?

Ofcourse I gave my children an insight in how people become that way.
People are products of their own history, of their own wants and needs, and of their own ego's.
But I also gave them the power to stay the person they are, to have faith in themselves, to stay pure and clean in their own intentions.
I can't say how often I told them to listen to their inner voice. I have learned these kids have a very clear intuition, and they should not be misguided by wants and needs, by misperceptions are anything else.

They said they didn't trust a person, and so I learned them how to deal with that.
Help came as a surprise by someone who said there was no need to deal directly with that person, they could write down what they had to say if they wanted too.
Help also came from time itself, as they had so much to do for school that they gladly wrote down what was on their hearts, instead of bicycling to town and lose lots of time.
They would have gone to the meeting otherwise.. with the risk of having their words turned again, like happened before and what happened with my own words and behaviour.
I think an ego was hurt a bit, but sometimes it's time for grown ups to grow up.

When talking with the children it was clear they missed something very important in the other person: empathy.
It's the ability to step out of your own frame of mind, your own wants and goals and perceive with an open mind the other person and to understand that person from the way he is, from his own life.

It was amazing to see what my children could do what the grown up couldn't do. Display empathy.
I think it's inborn and disappears when the ego takes over and grows to be a feeding force for the wellbeing of the person.
When we lose touch with our own inner being and strive for wealth and recognition the ego takes over. In certain jobs ego's are regarded to be of more importance than empathy. It's about being on top of other people, I think.

My children have learned that it's not always possible to keep oout of the way of people like that.
They've also seen how they mold their own reality into something they feel comfortable with, or can gain their own egofood with.

It's a kind of warning too.


When a person grows up he's faced with choices about his own person.
By making a choice for a profession it might be a choice for a certain behavioral climate which might go against the way you want to be.

It's a huge choice.

Young people are not always aware they have that choice.
Older people are not always able to face up to that choice.

How about you?

Your support is needed

The years that people freely gave a donation to someone who needed financial support are over.
Many people lives less in lxury than before and consider that a loss, so they won't think of donating money to others.
Why help them forward when they themselves had to step back?

Two young schoolgirls have the opportunity to take part in a student exchange program.
It's an exchange of 10 to 14 days between The Netherlands and a few other European Countries.
The aim is that young people learn from other cultures and learn to behave in other cultures. This will create more understanding between people, more care, and this will ensure more peaceful behaviour in the future and hopefully in better economical exchange.
There are a lot more reasons, but you'll get the idea.

Quite some of their classmates come from families who can pay for annual vacations (at least 1) and lots of extras. Both girls come from a family with 4 older brothers with special needs.
They have developed in nice young women, with a warm and caring heart and a good feeling for responsibility for others. They would give their last piece of bread to someone with hunger, and they won't hesitate to give their most precies bracelet to someone who tell them it's the most beautiful thing ever seen.

Wouldn't it be a pity when these girls had to stay home and see the others leave?

They need financial support.

One of them already has made a blog to try and find sponsors, the other is making one.

Wouldn't it be nice to sponsor them?
For instance with 7 dollar a week when they write a blogpost each day? Thus sponsoring each blogpost with a dollar?

Or maybe with a 10 dollars for putting your blogbadge in the sidebar for a week?

I'm thinking aloud, but maybe you have far better ideas.

Come on and help them.

The blog of one of them is here.
When the other girl has her blog ready I'll inform you.

Early years of the Dalai lama

To me it has always been important to be a stay at home mom.

People say now I'm not emancipated.

Haha!!

I've made my own choices and I've been able to see my children grow up.

It's a privilige to see a child develop in his own environment where he can be himself, instead of in a room with a few leaders attending to what's needed for hygiene, food and drinks.

Ofcourse a child needs to learn to adjust and needs to learn to assume a role in a group, but the first years should be dedicated to development of the person, of the wish to discover the world in all aspects. Not only those that are presented by others.

The importance of those first years is shown by the account of the mother of Dalai Lama of the first years of her son.
Observing a child reveals many messages as you can see here.